I have been thinking a lot about her birth. It's hard to think about her birth without thinking about my oldest daughter's birth. The emotions are not as raw anymore, but they are still there. Word for word, I would likely describe the experience the same way:
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 08, 2004
Beginning the Journey
I was an innocent woman who was pregnant. I didn't expect to be cut open and gutted like a fish to get my daughter out of my body. I trusted my doctor, that he would do everything in my best interests and it never once occurred to me that he might act in his own best interests first. Silly, naive me. As I laid on the table with my organs visible to the world, I knew I didn't like it. I didn't know how deeply my daughter's birth would effect me though. It never occurred to me that a cesarean section might carry more emotional scars with it than physical ones. I didn't know it could hurt so much. It is now just over 19 months since that OB wielded his knife and took my child out of my body. My Beloved and I have decided that this is the time to think about adding one more branch to our family tree. My LMP just ended this week, so it's possible that sometime within the next few weeks, I could be carrying a brand new little life again. Such an exciting possibility! I loved being pregnant with BabyGirl. It was a time filled with joy, anticipation, delight... it was amazing and beautiful. Unfortunately, I fear this next time of being pregnant, should we be so blessed, will be riddled with the fears, the stigmas, the labels of being "a VBAC" woman. [VBAC = vaginal birth after cesarean] I resent needing the label. As though the scar on my belly is not enough.
In the end, I got my VBAC, and it was good. Not great, but good. I still have lingering questions, and am only now beginning to process some of my feelings from that time - feelings that had no space to breathe under the emotions of my first daughter was born. There is some guilt there, but it is what it is, and if it could be any other way, it would be.
Her VBAC was the second-hardest thing for me to do, ever, still. The first hardest was to survive my first daughter's birth. I had to have that experience to get here in life, and I'm grateful for that gift even though I'd never want to open a present like that again.
Happy birthday, baby bug. I can't believe you're four already. Thank you for working as hard as you did so we could both have what we needed. Nobody could love you more than I do.